Thinking about the issue of boundaries in psychotherapy, an adolescent boy came to mind. He had been forced to come and see me as part of his parole requirements. He once asked me to do something slightly illegal concerning computer "hacking". Although he tried to minimize the seriousness of his request, he knew that I knew that he knew his request was illegal. I refused with shrugging shoulders and a Bavarian slang word: "Mei." His contempt poured out: "Now she is doing this shit. . ."

This incident occurred in the context of his cautious engagement in our therapeutic relationship. Until that session, we hadn't talked explicitly about his antisocial tendencies, his crimes committed as a gang member. However, my refusal to do something only slightly illegal in the very beginning of our work was enough to transform his hope of being understood into rage, despair and contempt. He stood up and spat his words into my face: "I am leaving now. This is shit and I have better things to do!" I was left, sitting alone in my office, only knowing: do not chase - he will come back, if only to see if I suffer, because his therapist is the only one deeply connected with his affect of pain.

The following sessions were filled with Las Vegas-like gambling games with dice, in which he established very strict rules. He also drew pictures of guns, weapons of all sorts, tanks and aircraft. The perfect, cold technical world of mass destruction; all the weapons he would like to use (if ever in command) if his needs would not become fullfilled. This provided me with the profound experience on a procedural level of what life was like for him. I now had to deal with, and live with, this boy's contempt, session by session, and to handle my affect during his outbursts of cold contempt when he won - and on the other side to be with his hate and rage when he lost. This brought me to my limits of tolerating the affects of despair and revenge, and not mutating into his depressed and affectless mother.

Boundaries can be seen as a dynamic and intersubjective interplay of mutuality and negotiation; a battle between two partners for acceptance of their subjective points of view. This is more than mere rules like beginning on time and ending on time. Boundaries and limitations of empathic understanding can mark important moments in the relationship. There is also the possible danger of destroying the working relationship. In child therapy, where concreteness often dominates, this is a very difficult issue. The child, unlike the adult, may sit on your lap without announcement and kiss you. So, boundaries, and the way they are expressed (like "No!" or "nooooo....?") might open the door for many different kinds of selfobject experiences, including disappointment. The paradox is that at the same time, the selfobject tie may be preserved, offering the opportunity of working through difficult affects for both patient and therapist.